It all started....

I think most women go through it... that journey of decision. Decisions about who you are, what you want out of your life, your college, your future, what you want to be when you grow up, if you want to get married, and some would argue the most important part of these decisions are those about children:  Will you or won't you? 

I think this begins as a child - if you're born female, people give you dolls to play with in practice for having babies. People asked girls my age questions about what they wanted to be when they grew up expecting answers like, "I want to be a mommy." I always answered that question with a career choice, like Egyptologist, flight attendant, scientist on Moon Base Alpha, shit like that. It was usually met with a chuckle or complete dismissal. The girls who replied with how many kids they wanted to have were further engaged as if this was interesting. I don't think we have any understanding of how these sorts of expectations can shift your thinking. I was not really enthusiastic about motherhood like my contemporaries, and I found it confusing. 

Like most women have a birth story, most childfree women have a story about their decision to remain childfree. Many times it involves tragedy or mental health concerns, sometimes even deep-seated concern for passing along genetic conditions. Either way, I'd say it was a safe assumption that the majority of us have labored over the decision, weighing all the options quite thoroughly. In that respect, I'm not any different. My choice to not have a child has evolved from one of I really don't want that... to "I'm not doing it while I'm in the military," then later to one of, "I'm not doing it with this dude..." and even later to the final, "Children should be desperately wanted and frankly, I'm ambivalent at best... that's never a good reason to have kids so I think I'll just forget it." 

The childfree choice is now the latest "lifestyle" trend and it's often the object of ridicule, outrage, and confusion. I've never understood why anyone believes they should have a thing to say about what I decide but there are many who seem very threatened by how unnatural I am. "What's wrong with you?" I've been asked. "Not a damned thing. Why is this somehow a defect? And why do you really care?" is my usual reply.  

I've also been completely mystified by the attitude that deciding to NOT have children makes me some sort of degenerate, irresponsible, or even bitter. Personally, I know more people who regret having children than people who are regretfully without children so I'm not sure who decided that means we are bitter irresponsible degenerates, but okay, Nancy. I guess that's just how it feels, huh? 

Let's be honest, though, for real. Having kids is a huge decision. Being mindful about how your legacy, your imprint, your decisions impact others and the world at large is a healthy and viable life path. When you are mindful about decisions, they are usually more successful than if you're just following some biological and social pressure to reproduce willy-nilly without some kind of plan.

At this point, what strikes me as so interesting is that most people just live their life based on a foregone conclusion. Admittedly, I am guilty of the same. I often do not create a goal, action steps, or plan milestones for things. There are many times when I don’t think about what it is that I’m doing or of the decision that I’m making unless it’s a big one. But don't y'all think that bringing more humans into the world is a BIG decision? I'm blown away by how funny it is that people don’t really believe that having a kid is such a big decision that you really need to sit down and think about it much less plan out some milestones. They don't even ask is this really a goal? Or how is my life going to change based on this? Nor do they ask is that something that I truly want? The average person simply does it. They don't even decide. To many, it’s not a decision they just follow their biological and social pressures rather than considering it from an intellectual perspective and how that will change their life... and there are many of those people who get mad at the other side when they do have a couple of kids and can’t be the person that they were before kids. It's a strange phenomenon to observe, that's for sure. 

I started writing this and contemplating my own journey several years ago. It came up again a few years ago when i did a study for my master's thesis about childfree people at work. My interviews were interesting and gave me some insight into how different managers treat employees without chilldren. It has come up again as my journey into my own life's purpose has led me to the conclusion that we all have stories that are just as relevant and interesting as "birth and mothering" stories and we can learn so much from each other.